QI am upset and annoyed about some feedback I got through a 360-degree process recently, basically saying I am not a good listener. No one has ever told me that to my face. I think I’m a good listener—I always make time for discussion. I’m not sure how to move forward with this.

A. Okay, so you’ve received feedback that is difficult to take on board. A couple of things before we talk about listening.

First, giving feedback is difficult. People worry about damaging the relationship when they give ‘critical’ feedback, so they avoid it, and then make use of the anonymity provided by a 360 process to get their message across.

Second, we tend to focus on “negative” feedback and overlook the positive. Go back to your report and make a list of positive scores and comments.

Third, when receiving feedback, I encourage people not to think about whether it is “right or wrong”. Instead, ask yourself: “If this feedback was true, how would it be useful for me to know it?”

Asking yourself this question will help you engage with feedback more lightly and more constructively.

And now to listening. Good listening is really hard to do—especially in a busy, deadline-driven environment.

Most of us listen to defend or explain— not to hear. Listening to hear is different: we are paying “exquisite attention”, being curious, asking to hear more.

Does this mean that we agree with everything the other person has said? No. It means we have engaged with them in a respectful way that leaves them feeling heard.

One of the reasons this matters so much is because listening is deeply connected to engagement and trust at work.

In the late 1990s, the Gallup organisation, best known for large-scale research and polling, developed a set of 12 questions.

The Gallup Q12 was designed to measure employee engagement. I’m always struck by how many of those questions reflect the quality of conversations managers have with their staff.

Take question seven: “At work, my opinion seems to count.” For this statement to be rated positively by an individual, it means they have felt able to speak up, say what they think, and felt heard. Not necessarily agreed with—but listened to seriously. Nobody interrupted them, talked over them, or rushed to explain why their idea would not work.

Managers, particularly experienced professionals, often feel the weight of having to explain, to know more or to provide the best answer.

When somebody makes a suggestion they suspect will not work, they can quickly jump in with reasons, updates, risks or corrections.

While this is usually well intentioned, it can unintentionally undermine the speaker. Over time, people learn the implicit message, “I know more than you”. They stop contributing and simply wait to be told what to do. Psychologists sometimes call this “learned helplessness”.

So, what can you do? Try experimenting with a few small behaviour changes: Notice the impulse to speak, keep listening instead.

Even if a detail is wrong, a concern may be valid. Get curious and ask questions. Paraphrase and reflect back. Tell the team you’ll reflect and come back to them. Share your view as part of the conversation—not the last word.

You may discover this 360 feedback is less an accusation about your intentions and more an invitation to strengthen a leadership skill almost everybody overestimates in themselves.

Julia Rowan is Principal Consultant with Performance Matters Ltd, a leadership and team development consultancy. To send a question to Julia, email julia@performancematters.ie