Q. My team get on well and do good work together. But I deal with a lot of back channels, people complaining about workload, questioning other team members’ motives, saying one thing in public and another privately. I don’t want to upset the applecart, but I’m getting tired of it.
A. This feels like a good opportunity to introduce a concept from transactional analysis (TA), a rich and multi-layered approach to understanding human interactions.
This simple model suggests that each of us operates from three different ego states, and a lot of the people I work with find it useful and easy to understand.
In this model, the “parent” state reflects attitudes and behaviours we have learned from authority figures. This can show up in positive (nurturing) or less helpful (critical) ways.
The “child” state reflects our emotional response. This may be spontaneous and creative, but it can also appear defensive, passive or even manipulative.
The “adult” state engages with reality in the present moment and tends to be calm, rational and constructive.
Every conversation or interaction (“transaction”) can be understood by considering which of these ego states each participant is operating from. Often, the challenge is that we are not responding from the state that would be most helpful.
It is also important to remember that we are easily triggered into different states. Our roles, past experiences and the behaviour of others can unconsciously nudge us out of “adult” and into “parent”, for example.
From what you describe, it seems that some of your team members are speaking from their “child” state (helpless, complaining) and triggering your “parent” state (feeling responsible and irritated). Once this pattern takes hold, it can repeat itself quite easily.
The aim here is not to suppress feelings, but to move conversations back towards “adult-to-adult” interactions.
A useful starting point is self-awareness. When these situations arise, notice what is triggered in you.
What feelings come up? Irritation, worry, helplessness? What thoughts follow? Perhaps, “this is my responsibility” or “I can’t believe they are doing this to me”?
How do you tend to respond? Reflecting on this pattern can help you see how an established dynamic is maintained.
Next, think about what you want instead. What would healthy behaviour in the team look like? What would be a reasonable expectation around raising concerns or addressing conflict?
Then, consider how you might encourage adult-to-adult conversations.
For example, when someone complains about a colleague, you might respond in a calm, factual way: “That sounds frustrating. How long has that been going on? What have you tried so far? Have you had a chance to discuss it with them directly?”
Speaking in this way models adult behaviour and gently encourages the other person to access their own adult state.
Finally, it may be helpful to step back and look at the wider team culture. Patterns like this rarely belong to individuals alone. They are often shaped by the history and environment of the team.
You might ask yourself, what is happening that makes complaining privately the best option? Do people feel recognised? Is there a lot of pressure or competition? Are individuals on your team themselves dealing with a steady flow of complaints from clients, or from other teams?
Sometimes the most constructive step is to create space for a grown-up conversation with the whole team, perhaps during a team meeting or away day, about how concerns are raised and how people want to work together.
Approached carefully, this kind of conversation can strengthen trust and keep that applecart on track.
Julia Rowan is Principal Consultant with Performance Matters Ltd, a leadership and team development consultancy. To send a question to Julia, email julia@performancematters.ie
IF YOU ONLY LISTEN TO ONE AUDIOBOOK:
There is a lot of information about TA on the web, including many free written resources. If audiobooks are your thing, try Transactional Analysis for Beginners: Psychology Basics—How to Apply TA in Everyday Life to Communicate More Effectively, Improve Relationships, and Finally Understand Yourself by Marcus Bode.